Friday Musings and celebration

I don't know if anyone ever thinks of existential questions like the purpose or the raison d’être of his life or man in general, as much as I do. ( I mean amongst people like us and not philosophers). These thoughts are triggered for many reasons but this one picture which I took sometime ago often inspires many moments of poignancy.

It was taken in Kerala just off Thiruvananthapuram taken one late evening. I don't know if the picture makes it clear here, but it is the point where an estuary is flowing into the Arabian sea. I am standing on one of the banks of the rivulet looking towards the sangam and the sea. It is the point of ultimate confluence.

There are two ways of looking at the point of confluence. One is that if it is inevitable that the river will end in the sea then does she (the river) have any choice or control over her own fate. The second way, is to define the purpose of the river is its confluence with the sea (Matrix style) and hence do your best to fulfill that purpose.

My question is not which of the two arguments I believe in, but which I believe more in. Someone asked me why is it important to know the answer? Or why is it even important to think about these questions.

I don't have a clear answer? I think the answer possibly lies in our innate tendency to seek out the origins or the sources of everything that we observe around us. To understand 'The Why'.May be it is similar to the spirit in science where we all are in quest for finding out the most fundamental of principles from which everything can be explained. Or it could be explained better by our dogged determination to understand the Big Bang. While today we claim with reasonable certainty that we know what happened 1 picoseconds (10 to power minus 12) after big bang but still, we are not satisfied.Or maybe it could be likened to the countless yaatras we take to Gangotri, Yamunotri or Tala- Cauvery. (Sources of Ganga, Yamuna and Cauvery). I think it is not so much as to see or touch the source but more so in the philosophical hope that behind(or beyond) the source lies something so pure, so pristine that it is almost other-worldly.

Ultimately, I guess it boils down to one's curiosity (jigyaasa).

I am reminded of the opening track in Shyaam Benegal’s ‘Bharat Ek Khoj’ which used to be aired in Doordarshan in late 80s. The entire series is up on YouTube. I cannot tell you how thrilled I was to discover this. I am overwhelmed with Nostalgia. The link to the title track is here.

As an aside, the title track asks very interesting questions and the ending track here tries to answer them.

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Over the weekend, my closest friend graduated from one of the most prestigious schools around in the world. She is now an MBA. She is currently celebrating her moment of triumph, half way across the world and I can sit here in front of this laptop, only wishing I was there. But I can claim for sure that that I am happier than she is.

Almost half a decade ago, more than that, in fact 6 years ago, around this time, we started preparing for our MS/ MBA together. While we soon gave up on the MS dream, MBA and IIM was the only thing we wanted for ourselves. We would spend hours preparing, attending classes, writing mock tests etc. Both of us were driven by the fact that we knew that each of us were capable of so much more and nothing but the best was good enough for us.

I got plain lucky when I cracked CAT in my first attempt, grabbing admits from all IIMs and having the luxury of choosing where to go. She did not make it the first time around. She slogged her ass off for the next year CAT and missed out narrowly. Agony! She then decided to apply to the US B Schools along with writing her CAT. It wasn't the easiest of times. A job that she hated yet had to work 12 hrs a day and many weekends; GMAT, essays, SOPs, interviews and the likes. I remember that 2006 was a year that she strived and struggled. But, I guess it all worked out fine. She got to say no to Stanford and GSB Chicago (if I remember right) in favour of Wharton. And by the way, she was the youngest member of her graduating class.

She graduates this year with a finance major and finds herself right in the middle of this economic conundrum. Guess it is ordained that she can't get things on a platter, but I am not too worried. I know she will get that what she wants, albeit a couple of months late.

As for the reason why I say I am happier than her, I will paste an excerpt from the email that I sent her..

I remember fondly the days when both of us started our preparation for MS/MBA together. Those days were fun :). While I got plain lucky, you just made your own luck. So somewhere I feel that the little dream that we hatched out for ourselves, sitting in that Sanatorium house, has been achieved in full measure. The incomplete happiness that I felt when you did not make it to the IIMs has dissolved.

So I am celebrating this occasion and everyone is more than welcome to join the party!

This and That

It is difficult to let go.

There are people who would not want to get attached because it hurt when you have to move on. By attachment I don't necessarily mean an individual but it could be with an idea, a book, a city, college, job etc. I do not shy away from getting attached. It aches when bonds are broken but when you are so attached but the beauty of the relationship is anything but enhanced.

But today, I see the flip side of getting attached. The relationship seems well past its prime, (which I desperately hope against) but I am affected by how things are between my friend and me. Admittedly it is has not been the best in past few months but I am caught between wondering why it can't get better to whether I've reached dead end.

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It hasn't been a great month in terms of news. I heard that a good friend of mine is getting divorced just two years into his marriage. Now without going into where things went so wrong, I am kind of affected. This friend's wife (or ex-wife) would possibly match most of the criteria which I would have for my partner when I decide to get into the matrimonial arena. So this incident has left me thinking.

I believe that purity of purpose and intent (of being together) should be the moral compass than any hallowedness being attached to the institution of marriage. Am I being too idealistic? Are we pulling the emergency exit button a little too soon?

I guess when it rains, it pours. Another friend of mine just called off his relationship with his fiancé, just when the family had started talking to each other to fix wedding dates. And an acquaintance’s wedding was called off 2 days before the wedding-date because the girl felt she wasn't ready to get married. And this was after 7-8 months of courtship. Hmmm..

Anyways, I know that enough number of couples exist who are living their happily-ever-after dream. So nothing can be generalised (both good and bad incidents). However, the 'bad' incidents used to happen to someone who I would have never heard of. Today it is in my own circle.

And all of the above occurred in the past one month.

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And somewhere in the midst of all this I turned a year older. I have derived a strong correlation between age and number of people who come-over/call at midnight. The older you get the number of people who come over and / or call at midnight declines significantly. So also there is a trend observed on decline of calls and shift towards sms, facebook/ orkut scraps. All ominous signs of growing older J

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Come June and I will be done 3 years in Mumbai. 3 years in my first job. Whoa! When and how did time slip off? Ok. Now I realise that this post sounds whiny. So I stop here. I am planning course correction get some more activity back in my life. I intend to be out in the Ghats almost every weekend once the rains start. Junta care to join?

By the way, I was looking through calendar for the year. In end September and early October, I noticed that If I take 7 days off I get 16 days break. (Thanks to Ramzan, Dassera and Gandhi Jayanti). So I can plan for a long vacation. People Suggestions? Open to both domestic and international locales. (Note: I am a budget traveller)

It is she, isn't it?

We are prisoner of our thoughts and dreams. For in them we see not who we are but who we want to be. And there lies many a problem. When we are unable to distinguish between us in reality and us in dreams, we end up dejected because of misplaced expectations.

Thanks da! That was so helpful. It is as universal as 'desire is the root cause of all evil'. It does not help one bit.

Well then, tell me what would help you?

I don't know. If I had known that, then I would have to gone to the place where I could find solution, not to you to understand my problem.

I see. So, well, what or who is bothering you?

Hmm.. I think it is the “who” and hence the “what”.

... or “what” and the “who” are mixed here. I don't know. Why don't you tell me.

If you want me to spell it out,, then you will get universal statements. . It is she isn't it?

Yeah!

So what about her?

Well, it seems like a forced conversation every time I talk to her. I mean conversations were simple, free flowing - like the way she writes. Not the simple part but the free flowing part. Its not like I have conversations daily, but then … you know..

So what has changed?

Guess I have. She has. We both have. May be the context has. But I wish she looks at things differently.

Why only she?

hmmm..

... but why not she?

That wasn't my question.

Don't ask me questions. Give me answers.

But I thought you would go to a solution provider for solutions, you are here for issues.

You win. Please deign to be the solution provider and tell me Oh Great one what...

Let go.

Huh? She is not...

I tell you this because I know you and her. Let go. She is and will be a special friend. But then don't define special by the 'what' in the conversations but by how it feels for both of you. Now for the universal motherhood statement - You don't need to change friends as long as you accept that friends change.

Yikes. Eeeks! You can’t get more cornier, can you? I though you were better. Don't give me that now. I used to get these statements in greeting cards on friendship day when I was sweet 16. So spare me.

Well, obviously you never read those cards then.

India's Titanic???

On Slumdog Millionaire ‘phenomenon’, I read an article few days ago paper that how we react to SM will define how mature we are as a society. Yeah right! And especially when I read reviews of SM which say 'A peep into soul of India' I cringe. And this is what Nirpal Dhaliwal from Guardian says

“so many Indians will be upset about a westerner having a better understanding of their country than they do.

The bitter truth is, Slumdog Millionaire could only have been made by westerners.

As an outsider, he saw the truth that middle-class Indians are too often inured to: that countless people exist in conditions close to hell yet maintain a breath-taking exuberance, dignity and decency. These people embody the tremendous spirit and strength of India and its civilisation. They deserve the attention of its film-makers. I have no doubt that Slumdog Millionaire will encourage many more honest films to be produced in India. But they should be ashamed that it took a white man to show India how to do it.”

Am I allowed to pass judgment on this loser? Look at this. SM could have been made by Westerners. Or ‘ they should be ashamed that it took a white man to show India how to do it’. Mr. Dhaliwal, stop sucking up to your bosses at the Guardian. I mean really! Of course, white men know India better. And it took you SM to figure that out. Rigggghttt!

I saw the movie yesterday and it is nothing but a masala movie. It is slickly made with great editing but no way it is the real India. It is as real India as Paris Hilton or Britney Spears is real America. Let me make it clear here that I don't think I alone represent the soul of this country and neither do my experiences. But I represent one aspect of this country, just like people in slums or I-bankers of Nariman point. Also I am aware of the fact that close to 70% of this country live below the poverty line or just above it. But what enrages me is calling ‘poverty and depravity and the spirit of these Slumdogs the soul of this country time and again and again and again while conveniently glossing over the other aspects. If Mr. Dhaliwal says that Indian movies gloss over the ‘underbelly’ then be assured that movies about India in the west pander the ‘underbelly’ glossing over the rest. How sad!

Now, I am sure that there are people who would blame me for being jingoistic simply because the ‘poor India’ is portrayed here. I do not feel any shame or embarrassment, anger or resentment or any such thing. It’s a movie that could have been set in ghettos of Brazil or shanties of Mexico City or in any urban squalor. But what enrages me is the epithets this movie is getting in spite of the ‘glossing’ over.

And here is an example. Interview Mr. Naseeruddin Shan on A Wednesday from HT.

Why wasn’t the film taken to festivals and pitched for international awards?
Neeraj: Ours is not a festival film, it’s only for private consumption. (Smiles)
Naseer: Our producers are lazy chaps. They didn’t want to move their butts from their offices to take the film to international festivals. (Smiles) Jokes apart, A Wednesday should have gone to the festivals but it didn’t because the goras have their own preconceived notions. (Making a face) According to the guys at the Toronto Film Festival, our movie didn’t conform to their ideas about India.

Well, even if Mr. Naseeruddin Shah is exaggerating the ‘Gora’ effect, what does Mr. Dhaliwal, what do you have to say about this?

But you know what, there are so many positives from the movie. If an Indian had made the movie, it would at best be in one category – best foreign movie. But now its in 10 categories. Look at the publicity the movie is garnering. AR Rehman is good in the movie, but it isn’t his best by any count. Roja, Dil Se, Kaanathil Mutham Vittal, Dil Se, Bombay and of course Thiruda Thiruda are one or even two notches higher. But he is getting all the global attention which he rightly deserves and the western audiences will now listen to his other compositions. The other thing that I am happy about is that this is a great business opportunity for India with 10 Oscar nominations. As ARR, put it very nicely, ‘It is a great energy booster for the creative folks in India’. I expect more India based movies, more Indian actors, technicians and musicians getting more opportunities on a larger stage. So let us just enjoy this moment, revel in our awards and move on, glossing over these discussions :P

Edited to Add: Khalid Mohammed who writes in HT has always been one of my favourite movie writers/ critics. His reviews of most Hindi movies were spot on. But after awarding 5 stars to SM, I have just one question for him. If, SM were made in India, by one of the Indian directors, then would you Mr. Khalid Mohammed view it through the same forgiving eyes?

‘Inevitably, that classic forgiveness factor is involved in overlooking several implausible points like the reunion with blinded child beggar. Then there are omissions .. and allowance of a clipped British accent … more co incidences than you could catch in a TV soap.’ Hah! So will you now allow the ‘forgiveness factor’ in all your reviews of Hindi movies?

Edited to add again: Waiting for the media to call SM India’s Titanic soon. Given our history of India’s 9/11 etc.

State of the Nation - A farce!

I am sick and tired of terror attacks. Yes, who likes them. But I am even more disgusted with sequence of events that follow. So damn predictable.

1. Immediate announcement of compensation to the kin of the dead and injured.
2. State government would blame the centre for not giving intelligence inputs
3. Center would claim that Intelligence was given, but local authorities did not act properly
4. State Chief Minister would appeal for communal harmony, would say that his government would do everything to root out terrorism
5. Intelligence agencies would blame groups with relations to either a particular community or support from other side of the border. They would also play the 'intelligent game' of asking people not to blame anyone without investigation, while we all know that all they are going to do is blame 'certain groups'.
6. PM would appeal for communal harmony
7. Home minister would say that terrorist attacks would not deter India from fighting terrorism and removing anti national elements. And that peace talks with Pakistan would go on
8. News channels would have a field day reporting LIVE. Each fighting with one another for 'breaking news.'
9. SMS poll in news channels... ' is India too soft on terror' with some 80% saying yes.
10. experts would write columns in websites and news papers on 'what the blasts mean'. All news channels would have talk shows calling one person from UPA, one from NDA and one 'independent' expert. UPA would blame the nature of terrorism, NDA would blame UPA for weak policies and removing POTA while independant expert would say we need better coordination, a joint task force, and systemic planning! Blarghk!
11. Countries from around the world would try to beat each other in being the first to condemn the blasts and call them acts of terror.
12. In all the melee, the masterminds of the synchronised attack would live happily ever after.

This is the story in Jaipur, in Hyderabad , in Bangalore and even freaking Mumbai. Security is a farce. All we can do is pray that we are not at the wrong place!

Mr. Prime Minister, I whole heartedly support you on the need for energy security, but do you understand that we need 'life security' first? Naxals? Terror attacks? Are there any other excuses that you can invent?

Phoenix

Those millions of conversation you have in your mind, sometimes they are words that you can almost feel and sometimes they aren't even thoughts, yet you know what they mean. Or atleast you think so.

They take the form of uncertainity - not knowing what lurks around the corner. Oh how you wish you could take a sneak peek standing 5 feet away.

You advocate that the choices we make determine who we are and where we are headed. But the choices you made don't seem to be taking you anywhere. You are lost.

In the milling crowd, you search for familiar voices. Suddenly, you decide to walk away. You have wonderful company for the evening but you are still alone. You quickly check for your shadow - reassuring yourself that your faithful friend is still around.

You used to advice people that change is good. Yet today you think that it is just a justification given when things don't go the way you want, but you are forced to reconcile with reality.

You involve yourself in mundane activities to keep you occupied and tire yourself physically just to escape the daily trauma of putting yourself to sleep or waking up in the middle of the night.

One fine day you decide that you've had enough. You want to break free and decide that tomorrow would be a brand new day. But that tomorrow never comes.

You act strong, invulnerable. Yet, you know that you are like the duck in the pond. People just see your graceful swim, not noticing the desperate pedalling below the surface that helps you keep afloat.

Then one day you get bored of being bored. You get bored of telling people that you have a routine life. You start surfacing. You don't know whether the choices you made are right, but you know that you would make the very same ones if you could go back in time. You realise that you are still lost, but you begin to look around and start thinking that the journey isn't as bad as you had thought. It could have been much worse. No one knows, but today, you are reborn. You are Phoenix.

Back to the Present

Back after a long hiatus. The break was both self imposed and as a result of what is popularly called the writer's block :) (Atleast I would like to think so).

Anyways, in the past 2 months, I have been traveling a bit.(yes, yet again!) However this time it was international. I had a official trip to Singapore in the last week of March and I combined it with the weekends on either side. So I was in Kuala Lumpur for 2 days of which one was spent watching the grand prix at Sepang.

Man, KL is beautiful. It is futuristic. (Atleast for an average Indian who has spent 99.99% of his life here) It is such pretty mix of heritage and modernity ( not that these two have to be two different things). And the best way to explore a place is by walking around, with no ipods, soaking in the smells and sounds of the city. (As cliched as it may sound. I am sure Mahogany would agree though!) So a colleague of mine and me walked the city starting around lunch time till late in the night. We covered quite a bit of KL through the walk.

Walking through KL starting from the National Museum to the old station to Merkara square to Petronas and KL towers was a brilliant experience. I observed that the people were disciplined in their driving and very courteous in their talk. (Except a minor altercation with a cab driver - who was an Indian - and was abusing us in Tamil. I guess some things don't change that easily.)
Through conversations I figured out that KL developed to what it was today because of wanting to be better than Singapore. A sense of competition can do wonders, even at such a macro level. Bombay should benchmark New York and London and Singapore if it wants to be anywhere close to be called a global city. And here is where I go back to my theory that we need leaders who can sell a vision and energize people. Today there are only two things that unite India - cricket and war. Nothing else. It is a sad state.

This was my third visit to Singapore in the span of 2 years. And each time I have stayed there for a week. First time I was wow'ed by the infrastructure and facilities and how smoothly the entire system worked. My first level of wow was that things actually worked. And then I realised that they were efficient. I could say that I was enamoured by the entire place. The second time I went in, I guess I was very critical - trying my best to find out what I could crib about. 'The trees are planted so neatly, and branches are all trimmed. All trees are uniformly shaped, just like the ones we are taught to draw as kids. Its not natural. Everything here is so artificial - 'man-tamed'' . ' There is a perpetual state of fear. You can't even express your opinions openly. It does not have freedom of speech ' .. And so on..

This time during my trip, I realised that the system working frees up a lot of time, effort and energy. I could traverse the city without feeling tired and worn out. I still crib about manicured trees and nature reserves but the convenience the city offers in phenomenal. I ate out every single day of the week and tried Egyptian, Turkish, Swiss, Mexican, Thai cuisines amongst others. I went clubbing one night and had an amazing time at 'Insomnia' where the live band totally rocked and then later at rupee room with some 'desi' music. Its a global city to state the obvious. And this was the first time I experienced this facet of it. So my feelings for Singapore are mixed. I am drawn by the diversity in experiences that the city can provide, yet somewhere I am unsettled by the negative vibes and messages that hit you from all directions.. 'Do not do xxxxx else you will be fined, if you do yyyy also you will be fined.'. Is that the only way system can be made to run efficiently?
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The thing about living in India is that you are exposed to paradoxes of affluence and poverty everyday. I am reminded every single day of how lucky and blessed I am. This constant reinforcement I am sure also helps a lot of people donate, get involved in charity or work for the underpriviledged. But in a place like Singapore, I doubt the fact that there could be external reinforcements. So charity, volunteer work would really come from within/ family. Narayan Murthy once made an observation that he admires Bill Gates' charity work a lot for given Gates' background and the society where he comes from, it is much more difficult to be so giving (on an average) than in India where you see so much suffering around you. I now understand what he meant. And a trivia for all of you - More money is spent researching Baldness than Malaria. We really need to get our priorities right!
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I had dinner with my friend this week and he reminded me of quote that I had mentioned to him long ago . I think it is pretty insightful.

Do not expect the world to be nice to you, just because you are a nice guy, It is like hoping that the lion wont eat you, just because you are vegetarian!

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Being this person who hates silences, I try to maintain constant conversations. Silences are discomforting. Or so I thought. In this Singapore trip, I spent a lot of time with a very close friend of mine. And we weren't chattering away into the night. We spoke and there were silences. And they weren't unsettling. I guess I had moved to the domain of comfortable silences. In the end, it left me with the warmest of feelings. Now I know that you don't need physical proximity to be at ease with anyone that you move into the zone of comfortable silence.

of Intent

After much travel, and lots of work (or so I claim - I hope my boss agrees!:)) I am now home on a week's break. And sadly today is the last day of that break.

Having nothing to do is thrilling for a while, but after the initial euphoria, the lack of activity has made me even more restless. My mood has transited through happiness, sorrow, matter-of-fact and tired-of-thinking-kind of fatigue. I guess I just can't lie around doing nothing :( . I atleast have to think.

I must have been a cat in my previous life. I just move from room to room, snuggle into a warm corner and sleep. All good things have to come to an end. Sigh!

I have been talking a lot to a friend on the theme of 'intention' and having an ' honest intent' being the starting step for everything. And today I read two posts back to back on Swetha's and Unpredictable's blog on the same topic. Guess a lot of us are thinking along similar lines currently.

Its back to routine from tomorrow.

Friday Musings - You feel good?

What follows is a personal rant. Be warned!

Hi Ravi,

I know that you are quite busy these days and the next two to three months are going to be even more hectic, with almost little time to breathe. I also know that you are entering what is possibly the most challenging project you have handled in the past year and the expectation to deliver better than ever is even higher. And, that is the exact reason why I am writing to you today.

Your mind is already preparing for the next project and for the hectic few months that lay ahead. However, today I want you to pause, albeit even for half an hour to look back at your previous project and the past two months, and feel good about it.

Your job currently, if I may simplify , is to work on the big opportunities or the big problems, do some analysis, come up with recommendations and then sell your recommendations to everyone within the organisation. And, you have been reasonably good at this. However, given the fact that you work on the big opportunities or problems, your recommendations have a natural traction and people are willing to listen to you, even upto the top management level. They may not buy it, but they are willing to listen to it. This is not to belittle your efforts or to say that you have had it easy so far. I am just providing this perspective to highlight your recent achievement.

The last project however was your first external project. You had to not only understand the market, the competition, new categories, new business quickly but also the client's business and their organisational priorities and then make strategic recomendations. This time there was no natural traction for your recommendations. Infact, this time you had to compete with one other big organisation and an equally capable team, if not better, for winning the project. And you won. Congratulations!

Among the many good things that you should take away, the most important thing is that you were pushed out of your comfort zone and were required to adapt within almost no time which you did really well. So in the future, remember that you have demonstrated the agility to respond to change, and, whenever you feel a little apprehensive (like right now) , think of this.

Changing gears, I do have a big crib. You really really need to learn to accept appreciation and enjoy the good times. Philosophically you are stoic, and nothing wrong with that. When things are tough, you have a great attitude and look at the positive side. But then why, when the things are good, that you forget to cherish, celebrate and feel good. Remember how when you called up your friend for congratulating her on her achievement, she played it down to the level of rubbishing the recognition, that you felt let down for feeling so happy and excited for her. Don't you think others also feel the same way when they talk to you? Ok, you ain't that bad, but still you are no great either. Accepting gracefully is also as art and makes people feel great, just like giving thoughtfully does.

It is difficult to change but not impossible. Infact it just requires one thing - willingness to change. Are you willing?

Good luck on your next two three months for it is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride.
Regards

Karthik

Friday Musings

I wanted to make my 'Friday Musings' a weekly thing. And given that I had written something for past 2 weeks, I did not want to break the rhythm. So I sat with my laptop in front of me for two hours last night. I started writing on some topic, deleted it, restarted on some other topic, deleted again and so on, till I was so drowsy that I slept off on my laptop.

I walked to office this morning through a light drizzle, thinking about the previous night when this thought struck me. So how does one know when to give up?

Whether it is writing a blog post, or working on a project you wanted to forever, but getting no where on it, or with certain people you wish who would listen more.

Till what time is getting out of something considered smart and at what point does it tip over to being little-too-late. When will you be called a smart guy for making the right decision and when will you have a quitter tag attached to you?

Its a complex question, atleast for me.

Friday Musings

It has been a peaceful week. I spent the first 3 days at home on a short break. All I did in those three days was eating and sleeping :)

Everybody grows up and moves out of their homes. That is the way of life. You set up your own place in a different city (or may be same) and start living your own life. Earlier (few decades ago), the postal service kept people abreast of each others lives. Later it became occasional phone call, and today the telecom revolution has ensured that I can call my mom to ask her how much salt to add for dal etc.

But whatever be the case, once out of home, you are disconnected. You have a parallel existence. And you feel this, not in the biggest family decisions (for you are involved there), but the small sundry things that you could have done. If I was home, I could drop my mom off at work and/or pick her up, so that she need not walk the awkward distance which no auto rickshaw would come. I could have been more involved in dad's projects, or maybe do the occasional grocery and veggie shopping on Sunday, so that he may get longer Sunday siestas. Or I could help my bro search for a final year project or maybe a few pointers for his preparations for the upcoming exams.

It is in this trip home that I realised that I will not be there to do any of this with the level of involvement that I was thinking of. It is in this trip that I realised that in the circle of life, I had finished a quarter. A strange realisation dawned upon me - I now have a life of my own.