So, what do you do?

'We may not admit it, but the truth is that we all seek to be loved by the world. When we are babies, we are loved whether we burp or scream or break our toys. But as we grow up, we are suddenly thrown into a world where people judge us by our achievements or our status(rather than as our mothers did). Hence our anxiety about how we are perceived. No human being is immune from this weakness. The ego (Ahamkara) is a leaky balloon, forever requiring helium of external love to remain inflated, and ever vulnerable to the smallest pinpricks of neglect There is something at once sobering and absurd in the extent to whiche we are lifted by the attentions of others and sunk by their disregard.'

Alain de Bottom in Status anxiety.

I was blown away the moment I read this passage. This is so true. All of us love to be loved, be recognized and appreciated by others. We all exhibit this basic, almost primal need at various levels, at various forums and at in various contexts. Slowly, this need to be recognised by others gets converted to some form of affirmation of our achievements and in turn of how successful we are. Subconsciously the habit of constantly comparing ourselves to others is reinforced right from our childhood. we are given ranks when we are in school and everyone wants to know who is first. When we score a 85/100, we are asked, what did xxx score and so on? This 'need to compare' is institutionalised.

Through school and possibly college, we all as a peer group face similar situations of exams and that in one way serves as 'the' way in which people compare themselves. Once we reach late twenties and early thirties, there are no exams. Salaries, size of house, cars, places where we take vacations etc become barometers of achievement and slowly an affirmation of our success and hence in some way a measure of self worth.

This basic need to be recognised for our achievements is more often than not expressed in terms of material possessions. These material possessions are attached to some with emotional value. Thus there is this almost visceral feeling of joy and accomplishment when we acquire this material possession. I am also part of this deal. I do pause and listen to what my peers are up to, with a lot of pride and happiness and sometimes a tinge of envy. Today, more so than ever, we are asked to follow our dreams. And it is not just important to follow them, we also need to achieve some form of success. Books and movies and email forwards today glorify those who have followed their dreams and become successful. The pressure on each on of us to be successful is humongous. Let us not underestimate it. And the world is ready to give us a set of checklists, achieving which counts as success unless we clearly define what the parameters are for ourselves.

I don't think we will ever be free from the need of wanting to be recognised. The best we can do is to be cognizant of this desire in us and keep it under check.

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PS: I haven't read Alain De Botton's books but have read reviews. Do check out his website. He seems to have written on very interesting topics. http://www.alaindebotton.com/