Shades of Gray in Me!

When State Bank employees went on strike two months ago, I was not in favour of their strike. My only arguement was that they can't hold the government and people to ransom. It was unconstitutional. I did not know about their demands except whatever came through the media. According to me, they were holding the country and its citizens to ransom and it was unconstitutional. There have been lot of strikes which have disrupted public life. I have been dead against these strikes, atleast in principal.

Today, in this protest against reservation, the medical community has shut hospitals, OPDs, General clinics, pharmacies and so on in different parts of the country. Scores of people (not only the poor) are affected. For small illnesses we run to doctor and gulp down tablets, there certainly would be people who would be suffering severely. Their conditions may not be grave but their suffering could be reduced if the doctors attend to these people on time.

Doctors through their oath have their first responsibility towards their patients. Through this strike they (I should say we, cause I support the cause too) are causing inconvenience to public, and pricipally (atleast) I should be opposed to this strike. I should condemn it and not participate in this strike in its current form.

But I shamelessly admit that just because this is an issue I support, I don't feel strongly against it. Infact I support the strike. I feel that the government is letting us down and I, as a citizen should stand up and protest. I conveniently choose to ignore the discomfort the strike is causing.
I have learnt that things are never ever right/wrong or correct/incorrect. When it comes to policies and interests it is always 'right for whom' vs 'wrong for whom' and 'correct for whom' vs 'incorrect for whom'. From next time on, when other parties protest for their causes, I might be more sympathetic towards them. Or I might forget that once even I caused discomfort to public and oppose their protest on grounds of disrupting public normalcy. I dont think I would be right or wrong . I would be in some shade of gray.

Net-net

Does every conversation need to have a purpose? Does it have to convey something?

If One is asked 'net-net, what are you trying to say?' Do you need to have a clear, precise answer?

For now, you are no longer alone!

You were always busy working but never too busy to say a 'Hi' whenever I messaged you. One mail and I would get a call from across the seas. I now know what you meant when you said to me - 'there is nothing to match the feeling to know that one has people looking out for them.'

You would take that extra liberty with me. Tell me how to do those little things well, scold and yell and rip me apart whenever I did something stupid and brash. That gave me a heartening feeling of being wanted.I know the countless hours you have spent looking over my papers before I submitted them, making sure that it is all in place, to the last comma. Having seen you online regularly, I search for you whenever I log in. There is an uneasy feeling when you are not there.

You have had your tough times, your hardships and your setbacks. You are entitled to say that life has been unfair to you. But you did not. You just hung in there. You worked hard and stayed at it. Through school and work, you kept giving better than your best. You did not drop your contacts and friends as you moved from one stage of your life to another but carried them along with you.

Today, finally, its your time under the sun. It is that time when you can say to yourself confidently that nothing can go wrong, and nothing will. It is that time when one good thing leads to another. The adage 'When they say its your time, it really is your time' , cannot be more apt.

The way forward now appears clear. It is new and fresh. Sure, it has challenges and unchartered territories but it is a beautiful path. Take it, for now you are no longer alone!

A dedication to my friend & my mentor.

'Such Cases'

I decided to drop in to the hospital to see my doctor friend at work in his first month as intern. (The one year training after studies and before getting your MBBS degree). His friend and he had been working for over 10 days on a couple of patients in nephrology department. For many it was the recurring treatment they had to undergo because of the failure of their kidneys. patients with kidney failure, dialysis was the only treatment. They could not afford a kidney transplant surgery.

It was evening time and as I was entering the hospital, he came out. He saw me, took me by my hand and we went and sat inside his car. He burst out crying. I asked him why. Between his sobs he told me.

Basavaraja was his 65 year old patient who had kidney failure. He had called my friend in and told him that he would become a very good doctor and was a nice person and this was the last time he would be seeing him. He added that he could not afford the treatment and hence he had decided to stop it and return home to his village. He said that he knew that he was going to die soon and said he was 'ok' with it. Basavaraja had walked off and my friend did not know how to respond.

I had always heard about such cases, have seen many 70's and 80's movies which had poverty has a theme, but this was different. I did not know what to tell my friend.

I am sure that my friend would get used to such cases as he works. That, sadly, is the reality. We all 'get used' to it. And Basavaraja mingles with countless others and becomes 'such cases'.

How much of selves?

Probably the most difficult thing to do is to keep your external calm, when inside you your thoughts are on an express roller coaster ride. I came across this quote somewhere, and found it really poignant.

If there is a me that curses and cries
And a me that winks and walks in peace
Do I have a choice of selves?

I'm sure quite a few people have some sort of restlessness inside them. Many a times even while being in a crowd, there is a sense of aloofness. You find yourself drifting away in your thoughts. You smile and engage in small talk but your mind is not there with you.

Reading the lines above, I can relate to those phrases 'curses n cries' and 'winks and walks in peace'. I have experienced both in some part of my life. But I guess the toughest part of being oneself comes not in 'choice of selves' but choice in 'how much' of each of those selves. Each one of us is fighting to find that out about ourselves. That might just be one of the reasons for the restlessness, bouts of loneliness and irrational exhuberance. (if I may borrow th phrase from Allan Greenspan!)

This is also life, I guess.

Understand

'You know that is not fair, Chitra. You have no idea how much it hurts when you tell me that I would have never understood. ' Suresh was furious. I had never seen him screaming. Being a guy who prided in being trustworthy and one who would never ever let hs friends down, Suresh could just not come to terms with what Chitra had just said.

'But you are my best friend, and doesnt that count for anything.' Suresh bellowed. Chitra stared at him blankly. Realisng that he was screaming, he paused and then resumed in a mellowed tone. 'Chitra, I am sorry for screaming, but I am hurt'.

'Suresh, you are my best friend. But at that point in time, I just had to take my own decision and I did. I am sorry you feel hurt, but try to understand'. Then came the part I had grown to hate most, but I knew that it was unavoidable. Chitra turned to me and said, 'Why dont you make him see sense'.

The three of us were great buddies and we hung out together always. We were in the same college but different departments. Suresh and Chitra were very close friends and I was sure that they would soon start seeing each other.

'Yeah right! talk sense into me? Tell her not to make such random statements'. Suresh gave me a nudge when he realised that I was lost in my own world. 'Well, what I feel is..' and I stopped. Those two had stopped arguing and were apologising to each other. And I knew this was my cue to leave the room.

I recollected this incident when Suresh rushed into my room yelling 'Chitra says we sould stop seeing each other from now. She says she cannot tell me the reason because I would never understand'. They split and I couldn't do much about it.

Three years have passed since then. Things were obviously never the same again. We went our ways. Chitra started working. I got into IIMB to do my MBA and Suresh went abroad to pursue his Masters.

I met Chitra today and we seemed to have time. We started talking. She has moved on, she is into a relationship now and things seem to be falling in place for her. We could not avoid talking about old times. I told her Suresh was still single and took two years for him to get over it. As she spoke about her life today, I realised that she had been living her life , doing things that she had always wanted to do. It is then that it dawned upon me that she was doing the things which she had planned for herself when she was not seeing Suresh.

Putting all pieces together I figured that she had gone back on all promises she had made and had decided to pursue her own dream. She had always spoken about making adjustments to make a relationship work and yet when it came to her, she had backed off. I knew that she would never tell be able to tell this to Suresh, because he would never understand. I remembered that incident, again, today.