Single in the City

NY Times website has this interesting section called Schotts Vocab. This page captures interesting new words/ phrases from cross the world like

Stealth Wealth : Shopping discreetly (“stealth spending”) or buying unbranded products (“hidden luxury”) in an attempt to make one’s consumption less conspicuous during a recession.

Twitchhiking : Traveling using transport and accommodation provided (solely) by fellow Twitterers. (Twitter + hitchhiking.) - Read about the project here.

Today, I came across a something interesting.

Guyological Clock - “The phenomenon of single career men in their late thirties who suddenly experience social pressure to get married.”

Well, in the American context it would be late thirties, but in the India context for guys it is late 20s, and girls would be mid 20s? Also social pressure in India is more of family pressure, I guess.

Well, my case is different, I must say. My poor parents are facing an unrelenting barrage of questions on why I am not hitched yet or in the process of being hitched up yet. So much so that they are dreading family and social functions. None of those questions reach me and I am quite well shielded from my relatives. My parents, under tremendous pressure, looking for an outlet decided to confront me one fine day in the recent past. The trigger for this conversation was that a family friend of ours (for 30+ years) had just announced that both their sons (my age and two years younger respectively) had girl friends. (I knew that through Facebook hah!) And no, it does not end there. The mother ( S Aunty) had spent a weekend each with the two girls shopping, cooking, bonding and had given strong thumbs-up to their sons' choices. Of course there were some small adjustment issues but overall it was a clear yes.

Now my mom, I think, was facing intense peer pressure. So she calls me up and in highly agitated state says that I am not doing anything to help her situation. She demanded to know why I was only adding to her problems in her old age. (Wildly exaggerated for effect - she is only 51). I was confused. She demanded an explanation from me on why I did not have a girl friend and now she was under added pressure of finding me a 'good girl', a responsibility she thought she would be absolved of.

I was flummoxed here. This was a completely new situation for me. Projecting past experiences of Indian society, it was only natural to assume that finding the right girl or guy for their kids, would bring ultimate joy to Indian parents. Clearly, there had been a tectonic shift in societal thinking and I had been unaware of it. Added to the suddenness of the conversation, there was much embarrassment for me. My mother was asking me direct questions like why I don't have a girl friend.

Readers would realize that in era B.D (Before Dostana), these were innocuous questions often asked by uncles and aunts (prodded by parents of course) at family get-togethers to ostensibly embarrass the kids. Those questions meant nothing then. However, we live in circa 2 AD (After Dostana) and such questions are not simple any more. They are layered and nuanced. It is not just the answers that you give, but the manner (and mannerisms) with which you deliver it are all captured for post -processing. Suddenly, I started regretting an earlier conversation with my mother where I had raved about Dostana. It my defense it was only because I found Priyanka Chopra smoking-hot in the movie. Of course I carefully censored the smoking hot part and spoke only about the movie, which could well have been the trigger.

Luckily for me, my mom was under no such delusions (phew!) and the topic quickly moved on. She started recollecting her conversation with S aunty, where S aunty had described in vivid detail how nervous she had been, probably, more than the girls, on meet-the-parents day. By the end of the conversation, I realised that I was no longer in touch with reality around me. Potential mom-in-laws being nervous during meet-the-parents day was clearly not the norm according to all the popular TV serials with high TRP numbers.

I have heard and passed through the days in college when there used to be an underlying peer pressure to have girlfriend/ boy friend. I am even living through and surviving these much disturbing days where most of my friends are married. But clearly, I am caught in new territory faced with this unique parental pressure of having a girlfriend. Sigh! Being single just got tougher.

Na-umeed tho nahi, Nakaam hi tho hai

I was talking to this friend of mine. She raised a few pertinent points. Points which I have been pondering over for a while. It seemed as though I was listening to myself.

We are often put into situations not of our own making. These are definitely not the happy situations. So how do we deal which such situations? huff and puff about them? Get charged up emotionally? rant and blame others? Take responsibility and look for solutions? May be there is that master key, that magical answer to all problems ever. Or maybe, there isn't. But this post is not about finding solutions. That sadly, my MBA indoctrinated mind does all the time, even when not asked for.

As we go through the situation for extended periods of time - the rational part of me knows that lambi hai gam ki shyaam, magar shyaam hi to hai (this shall also pass), but we can't be rational always na? How do we answer questions like 'why me?' to ourselves? Why weren't we successful at the genetic lottery? We know people have bigger problems, but our problems are ours and they are big and they are important right? Why should I be tested and forced to learn 'life skills' when I don't want to? Is hoping for a simple uncomplicated life, asking for too much? Why do we have to be strong and normal so that people around can feel better or secure? Aren't we also not allowed our moments of madness?

The light at the end of the tunnel is more hope than anything else. The optimist in us is desperately looking for green shoots. And when he can't find one, he digs deeper within us. The deeper he goes, more skeletons both real and imaginary tumble out of the closet. These scare us. And we know that we could do well without them. But somehow we are unable to ignore them. We rewind and replay every moment and generate 'what - if' scenarios. The rational mind knows that this is of no use. In fact it is only a downward spiral. Vacillating between extreme self confidence and self doubt, we feel burnt out. The phoenix will arise and the tide will turn. No doubt there. But is crash landing a necessity?

Any who, please have a look at this wonderful short story-film. This was nominates for academy awards for the Best Live Action Short Film. I assure you it will leave you with a smile. Sigh! Now I wanna Tango!

Shrouded

I lie in wait, it is the twilight hour. The darkness is so dense that even the mind's eye cannot penetrate. I shut and open my eyes.I sense no difference. I am tired, exhausted. I count sheep. I force myself to sleep - In the hope that when I wake up, it would be a new day. I desperately try and sense for signs of activity. But I hear not the chirp of birds or milk vans on the roads. There is no bluish-grey tint to the sky. They say that the night is darkest just before day break. Maybe, Is raat ki koi subah nahi.

Here and There

The last one month has been hectic. I was in Palakkad, Kerala for a day for my cousin's engagement and my, what an amazingly pretty place it is. We took a train from Chennai to Coimbatore and drove down to Palakkad to a village called Noorani.

It is the monsoon season and it had been raining in Kerala for more than a month. The greenery around me was refreshing and the drive to Palakkad picturesque. It had rained through the night and the entire place looked fresh. I had a whale of a time. The engagement was in a small Aiyappa temple and was attended by what seemed like the entire village. I joked around that the situation reminded me of Alaipayuthey (original tamil movie of Saathiya – which was infinitely better).Maadhavan goes to a village for his friend’s wedding and he bumps into Shalini. Drawing inspiration from that, I was also on the lookout for Shakti (Shalini’s screen name in the movie). And what more, Madhavan's screen name was Karthik. Don't say it. I know what you are thinking. But I shall spare you the rest and sigh that is where the similarities with the movie ended.

Anyways the village was a small quaint place. It was the kind of place that one imagines when indulging in romantic nostalgia. Of an ancestral home where, when you visit, you feel you have discovered a small part of yourself. Nooraani was just that. Quiet place, where time flowed in joyful bliss.

Camera can often capture the moment and possibly the mood, but the combination of both is in the eyes of the beholder.

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Sometime last week I hurt my back. It was pretty bad. In the sense, I couldn't sit continuously for more than 5 minutes. I had a niggling back ache for over few weeks but never gave it too much importance. And by the time I went to the doctor, it was a sharp shooting pain that radiated away from the base of my spine. The doc advised my 5 days of bed rest and prescribed a few tablets. I was then asked to return after 5 days. If it situation did not improve, I would be subjected to X rays and MRI to check for slip disc.

With the scare of a slip disc, I dutifully complied with all the restrictions imposed. On the 5^th day I was dreading the visit to the Orthopaedic. After a few basic questions on my back pain that I answered with all sincerity, he summarily dismissed the slip disc theory. Yayy! Severe muscle cramps, strain etc was deemed to be the reason. A week more of no bending, lifting heavy stuff or sitting on the floor and I would be fit and fine. It has been close to a week after the second visit and I feel much better. Phew!

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Clicking Eagle (CE), who has been mentioned earlier in this blog, my (ex) roommate moved out a couple of hours ago.

His new assignment has taken him to London for a year, but I doubt it would be much more. Often riled as the 'Dostana' couple for sharing a room, CE and I had a blast over the year that he stayed here. So on Friday night, my other flatmate MV and I hosted a send off party at our place. There were 12 of us from campus days and we had a blast. We were in high spirits and soon the hall was converted to a mini dance floor. Good music, great conversations that lasted way into the night. As people left, MV and I decided that we would meet CE’s desire of a drive through the new Bandra- Worli sealink. So at 2.30 am we took a taxi across the sea link. It is truly a marvellous sight - the suspension bridge lit up in all its glory. Phenomenal. Once we had decided to succumb to our impulses, we decided to make our way to Marine drive at 3am. There was a slight drizzle and the waves lashing onto the breakers were spraying mist that left us slightly damp. A few snaps of the queen’s necklace and of the night skyline were surreptitiously taken before the cops asked us to leave and we headed straight to the TAJ for desert. The triple layered chocolate mousse (white, normal and dark) was sinful and we did get a glimpse of a few film stars there. We finally decided to head home and reached back around 4ish. A few hours of sleep and we were up packing and sending him off.

Three of us CE, tallboy and I hang out a lot together since campus days. CE and I have been in Mumbai for over 3 years and tallboy settled in Chennai a year or so ago. CE is irreplaceable (like he always says) and there is a void left behind by his move and that can be only filled by tallboy. And tadaaaaaa!!!, tallboy is moving to Mumbai and moving in with me by early September. Yayyy!

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One of my closest of friends graduated this year from one of the world's premier B schools in US. And she has not yet landed a job. It has been 3 months since graduation and close 6-7 months of job hunting and still she hasn't got what she is looking for. With a loan that runs into 6 digits (Dollar terms) and no job in hand - due to the downturn - which is no fault of hers, she has all the reasons to be gloomy, morose, anti social and the likes. But she is none of these. I am copying a small part from her most recent post.

It's funny how faith works. Oftentimes it is difficult for the rational mind to grasp faith as a concept. For it can seem rather blind, baseless and unscientific. The rational mind understands effort and result and expects them to be proportional to each other. It cannot settle for an aggregate but non-chronological reciprocity between effort and result. Neither can it understand belief without proof, or patience without progress. Rational as I claim to be, I believe effort and faith feed into each other. Faith induces effort even when the fruit is not in sight or within reach. Unrelenting hard work in turn serves to augment the very faith that one is constantly inching towards the fruit.

In principle, one could have faith in anything- in oneself, in instinct, in justice, in the ultimate reign of goodness, in the immutable laws of nature, in Time, in God. I think it is something, maybe the only thing, that protects our irrevocable right to dream, our sometimes irrational optimism, and our unjustifiable claim to lofty goals and ideals. It is what keeps the innocence in us from escaping.

Back and forth, back and forth, life will go on. I know. But right now, there is a breeze in my hair. The grass is young and green. The moon is high and blue. The world is picturesque. The idealist lives on...

She reeks of optimism and self confidence that is inspiring to say the least. In my peer set, I know a few similar cases and I know how they are dealing with the situation. Grim at worst and nonchalance at best. But here is a girl who refuses to let circumstances dictate terms. Atta Gal!

ps: If you haven't noticed yet, Thoughtsafari writes fantabulously. Her posts are sporadic, but you can read them all here.

Pps: If you can help with jobs in financial sector, please write in :D

One from the Sorting Hat

Last two-three weeks have been quite hectic. My work made me cris-cross the country and big meetings (in which I was a small fry) ensured that I had enough work to burn the midnight oil for close to two weeks at stretch. And somewhere in midst of all this, I managed to make a trip to Tirupati. And what is more. I climbed up all the way. This is my second time that I have climbed up. We (Clicking Eagle, my bro and I) made it up in record time of 2.5 hrs or so. I was surprised at my own fitness levels. I have stopped playing/ gym-ing in the past 3 months and show visible signs of sloth.

I have been asked about my prayers. What do I pray for? What are my most secret desires? Did I have a mannat that I climbed up the entire way? The answer in all honesty is that I don't pray for myself. Somehow I can't get to pray for myself. I think God or supreme consciousness (which is more likely) shouldn't be bothered with my petty wishes/ desires or troubles. He has bigger problems like world peace, starvation deaths, ecological crisis etc to deal with. No seriously, I am not joking. I remember quite clearly that for the past 10-15 years that I have been visiting temples, churches, gurudwaras or mosques, I always talk to the spirit of the place to help me keep my faith in ' Whatever happens, happens for the best'. The rest I feel, I should be able to handle for myself. Righteous living or dharma and my belief in karma and divine justice should hopefully see me through.

I do visit all places of worships and even have a few favourites. If so many people believe that visit to that particular place will bring them good and make them happier, my visiting that place can bring me no harm. I guess the spirit of the place makes me feel nice and that helps me plough on longer.

My beliefs about prayers notwithstanding - I pray with whatever sincerity I can muster for my friends and family. This time I prayed for a friend so that she may get a job very soon. I also prayed that a family member finds the inner strength and peace he seeks and something for my parents. I hope they all get happiness in whatever they choose to do.

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From Tirupati, I drove down to Madras for a day. We had a big family function in Chennai to celebrate my grandparent’s 60^th wedding anniversary. Yes, you read that right, 60th wedding anniversary.

My grandparents are part of a big family and close to 100 people turned up. It was fun. We had a small pooja in the morning at home and post brunch around 11, had organised a small one hour session – Fond Memories. Friend and relatives of my grandparents who have witnessed the past 60 years in various capacities spoke about their memories of the wonderful couple. It was enchanting. Brothers, sisters, children, nephews and nieces as spoke about the various facets about the special memories that they cherished. It was a wonderful morning. My grandparents have been on cloud number nine for the past week.

My grandfather is the eldest of 5 brothers and 3 sisters. The age between him and the youngest sibling is around 22 years and that between him and the third child itself is 10 years. As I sat there listening to his brothers and sisters speak, I realised that all of them considered my grandfather as a father figure. He was the person who took all his brothers and sisters to school on the first day, reprimanded them when they were mischievous, helped them get admission into various colleges, filled out their forms, prepared them for interviews, dropped them off in college the first day, was there to pay their fees when needed, searched for brides and grooms for them and help them settle in life. He guided them wisely amongst the severe constraints that existed and helped them choose their job and career. My grandmother was the quintessential wife standing with her husband always. She ensured that no one would ever, ever go to bed on an empty stomach. She was always there for the kids/family members to talk to whenever needed and appropriately petitioned my grandfather for special favours and requests.

Their life story was an eye-opener for me. For the first time I heard how food shortage in 50s and 60s forced them to shift houses out of the city or how he had given up a career in defense at the request of his father so that he could stay back and guide his brothers and sisters. Or that he was in Pune in 1945-49 and that he had seen and heard Nathuram Godse deliver a few speeches. His house was small but heart was large. My mother fondly recollects her childhood where 7 of them (5 kids plus grandparents) lived in a house which was all of 400 sq ft. And it was never them alone. There would be at any given time 3 or 4 other family members at their place. For the first time I understood in real life the meaning of 'sthithapragya' - one who is steady and unruffled by caprices of fate. On a particular day, my grandfather was in the hospital attending on one bed to his dying brother-in-law and wailing sister and one floor below to his other sister who was in labour delivering a baby girl.

As I heard all of them talk, one after the other, I realised that he has a small but sure hand in everyone's success today. (Everyone includes the wide extended family). In his generation, we were poor to lower middle class with English based education and willingness to work long and hard as our only assets. Over two generations we have all moved from poor/ extreme lower middle class to middle class to upper middle class guided by my grandfather's firm belief in education and righteous living. (Everyone in the extended family is a graduate - women included - and this is way back in 60's/ 70s) In their own words, he instilled in them confidence to face the world and gave them a home to come back to where they could be themselves. In his closing speech he accepted the complements gracefully and in all humility mentioned that he was just doing his duty as the elder most member of the family. I cannot think of any other measure that can define a ‘successful’ person, more than enabling others around them to face the world and eek out an honest living.

I have learnt so much from him. At times I feel terrible that I did not put the 3 years I spent with him during college to better use. My memories and inspirations from him are reserved for a separate post but I must mention something relevant in the current context.

In the ancient Gurukul system, when the boy would sit with the Guru for the first time, he was taught a pledge that would be kind of guiding principle of his life. This is something my grandfather made me memorize in entirety. He insisted that I live by the first three lines alone and that would be enough. Those lines went like.

Satyam Vada| Dharmam Chara| Swadhayayam ma pramadah|

(Speak the truth| Walk the path of Dharma| Never stop working on self improvement(physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually etc )

As I was writing the part above on my belief in dharma, karma and divine justice, I realised how much they flow out of the above three statements that I seem to have internalised. I consider myself truly LUCKY to have been mentored by such an extraordinary person.

Edited to add: I am appalled and ashamed. I have no excuse for the terrible grammatical errors in this post. But as a principle, I shall not edit once published