Labels

I was recently discussing with a friend of mine on some ideas for decorating my house. This discussion soon spiraled downwards into a debate which soon became my idea vs. his idea and even though it wasn't acrimonious, it ended up being uncomfortable, at least to me. I thought long and hard about why a simple discussion, ended up becoming so personal. Day in and day out I present my ideas at my work place which are more often than not discarded and thrown out. I do not take them personally. So why at this instance was I unable to keep the focus on the idea or issue at discussion? Am I different at work place and home or was there something more at play?

In fact, there was something more at play. The answer lies in one simple word. 'Label'.

Labeling a person is in some ways similar to stereotyping, just a harsher form. Stereotypes are standardized and simplified conceptions of people or groups, based on some prior assumptions. They can be both positive and negative. Labeling more often than not is used to highlight differences like black people, communists or some form of deviant behaviour like mental illness. Once a label is applied, all the connotations that go with the label get associated with the person and the person many a times has to fight the label first, before even getting a fair chance of discussing the issue at hand. A far subtler form of labeling - is labeling the idea.

What, labelling an idea does is that it tries to reduce or over simplify the entire idea into a short phrase. Often the phrase is something that already has a well developed association. (positive or negative). For e.g. Modern, old fashioned and so on. So while you do not explicitly target the person, the fact that the person is associated with the labeled idea, he or she, now de facto is also labeled.

And this is exactly what happened the other day. The other person was emphatic about his ideas, which is a good thing. But he also stressed in unequivocal terms that we should be thinking like him i.e. progressive and modern automatically implying that my idea or the idea on the other side of the fence is not-modern or not-contemporary. And I realise now that, it was this point that was the irritant. Now, why would I want to be 'not-modern’ or not-contemporary? I was sub consciously fighting harder and harder to prove that my ideas were also contemporary and modern, when in fact I should have presented my ideas as an alternative proposal to be discussed. So a simple discussion that was so invigourating and pleasurable with so many of my friends, where we built on each others' ideas, turned out to be sour in this case. All attributed to labeling and my poor situational response.

As I write this, I realise that while I was at the receiving end this time around, many a times I am the perpetrator. In so many conversations, especially, with my folks, I have so easily and liberally taken support of the labeling crutch to push my point or prove superiority of my idea or worse, highlight the insignificance or irrelevance of their ideas. 'Modern' , 'generation gap', 'old fashioned'. Shit. The habit of labeling just goes to show that I have often lacked the intellectual honesty required to take the time and effort to explain my ideas to the other person. And what is worse is that, I have done this often with family and friends. Familiarity does breed contempt, na? I am now absolutely embarrassed. What a prick I have been!

Once we go down the path of labeling, discussions turn into debates and debates are where you have opponents and points need to be scored against opponents. So a discussion which has the possibility of building on each other’s ideas to create something bigger and better will soon turn into an intellectual battle of proving whose idea is superior or worse inferior. A positive sum game will degenerate into zero sum game and in personal relationships it is definitely detrimental. I have made a mental note. It is time to make a change.